As I drove home Friday, I heard the song, “Sabotage” by The Beastie Boys. As I waited at a red traffic light, I headbanged and rocked to the beat of the song. I didn’t move so fast that I would cause brain damage; I was just rocking with the beat. I loved that song already, but after seeing it used in the most recent Star Trek Beyond, my love of the song was once again renewed. As I sat in traffic, a car passing in front of me had two probably high school student boys. The driver was pointing me out to his passenger and we made eye contact the whole time they drove through the intersection. While keeping one hand on the wheel, I smiled and threw my right hand up in the air, like “Yeah, I am just that awesome.”
I knew this kid was judging me, but I was having a good time in my car and I am sure of who I am. I laughed because I knew his actions of seeming judgement gave me the topic for my new post and I thanked God for the opportunity. I sent those boys love and light while wishing them well on their own journeys. It was one more divine test to see if other’s views of me could shake my resolve and the answer was “no”. I am not careless, but I am care free. The two words have such different connotations.
Knowing who I am took some serious soul searching, time and study. I have loved learning about myself. As I drove home, I laughed again because I probably have more badass in my pinky than both of those boys combine. They don’t know my life and they don’t know what I have been through. I don’t know what they have been through either though so I again released the moment and sent them forgiveness. I have been through a lot. I went to this one group reading once and this woman gave mind-blowingly accurate readings to people. She told me to keep writing and working on manifesting. She also told me that I was very strong. She said that I had lived through experiences that would emotionally cripple other people, but that is was all for a purpose and to remember my strength. I have emerged victorious and stronger from all of my experiences. I have been “the saint” and “the sinner”. I know what I am capable of and I know what I could do if I needed to do so. I choose to live my life in the light. I would rather be the warrior in the garden than the gardener in a war. I chose to be a warrior for light.
I can hold up all my experiences to the light of love and know that each experience has helped to mold and define me. I am able to forgive myself and others because I know they were playing the part that they were handed to help my soul change and grow. Through all experiences, we work as a team to help each other grow. Some people have different goals and that is why sometimes, people you used to hang out with are no longer of interest to you. I had several close friendships in my twenties and most of them frizzled away. Once I acknowledged that we had different goals, I was able to let things go. I now have a wonderful group of women that I have formed from people I have met over the years and another wonderful group whom I met through church.
I had one friendship that frizzled and I had a hard time accepting that change for a while. I had been close friends for six years with but I had a difficult time with the partner she had chosen for herself. She had felt lonely as a single person, but she was an excellent student full of creativity. When she entered into a relationship with this new person, it was great at first because she felt needed, but soon lost herself in trying to make her partner happy. After a while, neither seemed happy and they argued constantly. I hoped they were working on some lesson at the soul level, but it was difficult to watch. I wanted a better, more joyful life for my friend. The creative, fun, talented friend I once knew had changed into a sad, over-worked person in an attempt to make enough money to please the other person. I stopped reaching out to that friend because she didn’t have time for me as she killed herself working long hours and her new partner, who spent all her money and wanted all her free time, did not like me. I did not stop loving that friend. I still hope she does well. Through the years of our friendship, we had great times together exploring fine art, shopping, dining out, working together, and talking through all of it! I hope they were able to find a way to live together happily.
Our judgments of others reflect where we are in our soul journey. I know I had a difficult time with her change because I felt like she choose a partner that did not help her embrace her true self and become more herself, but indeed influenced her to be less like herself so she could do what the partner thought was best. For me, my judgments helped me to know that I wanted a partner that supported my personal growth, loved me unconditionally, would enjoy the process of life, valued time to ourselves, and made decisions with me. I decided I would settle for no less.
Think about the judgments you have had lately? What do they say about you? When I started to evaluate my judgments, I found that I was able to move through the emotions from a lot of judgments, understand my values, and feel peaceful. It is not that those thoughts don’t pop up, but I have released the unhealed emotion that was attached to them. Now, I also pray for those people that I had once judged harshly. I prayed that their hearts and minds be filled with more love and more light for their journey.
Peace be with you.